When Would It Happen?

I suddenly feel a lil emo! Not too sure if I am happy or otherwise. Not too sure if what I am having in life is the best for me or can things be better. Not too sure if I have done my best in everything or could I have done better. Wondering what would happen if I had taken the left turn instead of the right. Wondering if I had made the right turn or not.

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I spent the whole day alone today. Spent some time thinking of "life". Wouldn't it be great if I had millions and had auto-piloted businesses running, generating a six-figure monthly income? I wouldn't want much, I guess 150 grand a month would be nice. Thinking of how would life be if I was a millionaire. Would I still serve the church (I believe I would)? Would I turn to be a playboy (I think I don't have the necessary qualities to be one besides having lots of money)? How many fast cars would I own?

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Spent some time watching a movie, "Fool's Gold", starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson. Exotic locations with lots of beautiful beaches, clear waters, undersea treasure hunts and some laughs here and there. And suddenly, I realise I actually love the beach. My last beach trip was to Pulau Perhentian some few months ago and I kinda miss it now. I am seriously thinking of going again to an island resort and just relax for a few days. Do some diving and snorkeling and perhaps some island hopping. Just doing nothing but the sea and sand!

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And then I put on my laptop, went online, dropped in to some friends' blogs. Checked out my favourite clothes designer, Jhanes Barnes and her news updates at her site. Fell in love with some of her new collections. Mind you, her stuffs ain't cheap at USD250 for a short sleeve shirt. Again, wondering when I can start affording her line of attire. A few clicks here and there, and I landed at my local tailor's site. Lord's Tailor offers make-to-order men's attire (mainly), from shirts to pants to really expensive suits. They have a strong list of celebrity customers in their book, namely Tun Dr Mahathir, Datuk Siti Nurhaliza and many more. I am proud to have two suits and two pairs of slacks from Lord's Tailor.

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Looking at their success story, I began to wonder if I am actually "successful" in what I do for a living. I began to wonder if I am anything close to being a good and professional photographer! I have seen many great works of fellow photographers who also specialise in weddings and concerts. Shooting corporate events, I would say, is considered easy, i.e., whatever happens, just point and shoot. Nothing tricky, no difficult lighting conditions, no fast moving subjects. While shooting weddings require creativity and "the moments". And shooting live concerts is, of course, super challenging and I am sure you know why.

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So, have I been a good photographer? Have I been delivering good images? Have I been creative? As far as I know, I don't use the Photoshop a lot, unlike some pros who would twitch and switch, adding a really cool touch of creativity to their pictures. Do I still have passion in photography or am I just taking pictures to earn a living. I think I might be leaning towards the later. I don't really know.

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It began to rain very heavily and I could hear thousands of rain drops smashing onto my room's window. That rattling sound brought a sense of peace to my mind while listening to Yiruma's piano. I looked out of my balcony, admiring the view from my 17th floor condominium and I asked myself, "What exactly do I want in life?" How do I want my life to be like? What kind of "me" should I be? Do I still want to be a photographer or something else? Do I have what it takes to be "something else"? Start a new life again? What would I be? Where would I be?

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And most of all, when would it happen?