Afraid To Die

Last nite, I thought I almost "died" of what might had been a "heart attack"? I had symptoms of extremely sharp "squeezing sensation" on my left chest (where the heart is) and like as though a sharp rod pierced through it. It was so painful that I had to lie down and rest for a while to let the pain subside.

And then, another symptom came...breathing problem. Every deep breathe I inhale in...my chest tightens up and sharp pain occurs. I could only take small sips of air without "stressing" my chest too much. And then the pain spread over to my right chest after a few hours.

Heart attack? Stress? Anxiety? Not enough rest? Mood? The fear of death came again. I had this "fear of death" since early this year...a feeling like as though I will be dying very soon, either by accident or a heart complication. At that moment, I realised I am not ready and not willing to die just yet. There are still many things I have not done, many words I have not said, many wishes and dreams not accomplished yet. And still...one utmost important duty I truly wish to fulfill.

There are also many things bothering my mind. Work, church and also my personal matters. Most of the issues can be easily solved over time but some...I really don't know how. Somehow I feel that I am not as happy a person as I used to be months ago. Its like there is a "missing piece of puzzle" in my life. And this last few days have been somewhat "disturbing"...like no peace and always "worrying". Have not been sleeping well too and when I am awake, my mind is not with me. My colleague says I look like a wordless zombie...always in the "dream" and "blur mode"! sigh...

I need a "clown" to cheer me up...